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Dear Friend

It might be hard to believe or understand but I am actually a very private person, yes I blog my thoughts to the world and if anyone asks me I’m usually open and frank in discussing my life, my thoughts and just stuff, I’m an open book.  I don’t always think like other people, sometimes what is acceptable to me is not to others, this works the other way around too.  There are times when this frankness obviously makes people think I don’t mind or care if  details of my life are discussed openly or shared in circumstances I’m not comfortable with.  I’m getting the distinct impression that this is the case and I think I only have myself to blame.

I’ve always considered that anything someone tells me is privileged information, until they make it clear that it’s common knowledge and to be honest, that applies to whatever the circumstances are in which they tell me. Be it chatting with a friend or getting a direct message on twitter or Facebook, even slightly drunken rambles on embarrassing topics are not repeated by me as gossip, you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and all that. Certainly never used as entertainment…

My darling husband tells me this is not so, he says that in a group of lads anything that happens or is said can be used as teasing leverage, so the fact you have had a embarrassing operation that you have only shared the details of with two people could be bandied around the group or discussed publicly,if you have done something silly or behaved foolishly or perhaps one of them was indiscreet about their fantasies, well this is prime fodder for sharing…

So what do you do? Not share anything for fear, never get tipsy again?

I have no idea why I just can’t say “Actually I haven’t shared that information with everyone and I’m not happy discussing it in public.” or just keep my mouth firmly closed on subjects where I’m obviously of a different mind to others as I end up being upset by people’s seeming  indiscretion, although I put on a brave face at the time, afterwards I retreat into myself and hurt.  I am not thick skinned at all, perhaps the opposite and it really stings when people don’t seem to notice that I’m hurt, am I really that good of an actress?

I expect I’m over reacting, people assume I’m strong because I’m outwardly confident, it’s easy to make that mistake isn’t it.  I’m writing this as a way for me to understand why happens to me because I’m obviously doing something wrong or misjudging situations, I don’t enjoy being drawn attention to in this way, I’m not sure that I’m even brave enough to hit publish….

My obvious solution is to stop sharing and stop drinking…..

… but it cuts deeper, it hits my depressive tendency and I back away from the world and all it’s hurt, yet this in itself is scoffed at by so many people I know.  Sometimes Dear World, illnesses can not be seen or measured, sometimes they can’t be treated, this does not make them less important to the sufferer, no, they still suffer.

The world looks to be a bleaker place today. The sun will come out tomorrow though… It usually does.

Yours, failing to understand…